JOB: Lifeguard at Spiffy Slides
AGE: High School
MANNER OF FAIL: Not having eyes in the back of my head.
DETAILS: While I was helping a nervous young girl step into one of the two flumes on Medusa and telling her the safety rules, a man holding a newborn sneaked through the line and got into the flume behind me. Just as I turned around and shouted at him to stop, he launched off and swept away in the roaring water with the baby on his chest. I called the bottom of the ride and told the lifeguard to catch this idiot when he arrived, and then my boss stormed up to the top of Medusa and hollered at me for not stopping him.
JOB: Food service
MANNER OF FAIL: When the cotton candy machine exploded in my face.
DETAILS: I worked Pizza, not Candy, but someone hadn’t shown up to work that day. My boss rotated me to the Candy Hut, delivered skimpy instructions on how to work the cotton candy machine, and frolicked off leaving me there alone. Lost in ponderings of
A: The meaning of life (NO)
B: Finding real-world solutions to poverty and hunger (NO)
C: Why no one ever asked me out and if I should change my hairstyle (PING!)
I added the crystals at the wrong time. Cotton candy erupted from the machine and all over the Candy Hut, an enormous blue wodge of it floating out the service window and attaching itself to the ponytail of a woman walking by in blissful ignorance.
JOB: Sunday school teacher
MANNER OF FAIL: Delivering age-appropriate material to 2-3 year olds.
DETAILS: I taught Sunday school for one awful month. The kids were fine, scribbling over pictures of Hippie Jesus and learning how to share their toys, but one parent was furious with me for not reading the Bible to them. She expected my class to start with Genesis and go from there.
JOB: Special Education Aide in a preschool
MANNER OF FAIL: Didn’t realize that I was changing the diapers of Jesus.
DETAILS: While on a home visit with the teacher, the parent of one of our students announced that she believed her son was The Second Coming. I laughed, and was quite chagrined when she informed me that she was dead serious. Her son was The Second Coming! An uncomfortable silence ensued, and then she offered me a picture of him so that I could look into his eyes and see the Son of God.
JOB: Lab tech
MANNER OF FAIL: Offended the Toilet Spirits.
DETAILS: It was the first day of my job as a lab tech. Having never worked in a lab before I was very nervous, and desperate to do well and impress people. The lab was located in a somewhat grimy building in which I worked alone, and after doing nothing of note in the bathroom, I flushed and the toilet became a spewing volcano of unspeakable substances. Horrified, I searched the whole building for the following items:
A: a plunger.
B: paper towels.
C: more toilet paper than the three flakes left on the roll.
E: a mop.
F: a sponge.
I found absolutely nothing, and had to call my boss and ask her to bring them from the main office. The bathroom was such a disaster that no lab work could be done for the next hour in order for me to clean, and over the many years I worked there, I flushed ever in fear.
Am I alone, or do you have a Job Fail of your own?