I have a $25 gift certificate to CVS.

Were it any other time of the year, this would be my grocery list of free items:

Chapstick.
Q-Tips.
Musical Twilight card to mail to my friend for purposes of torture.*
Package of Twilight stickers with which to cover the envelope.
Bland greeting card to throw off a relative about the practical joke inside.
Package of confetti.
San Pellegrino.

This morning, I woke up with the impulse to revise my list to the following:

Cadbury Crème Eggs.

Curious how many Cadbury Crème Egg Boxes of 4 I could get for $25, I clicked onto the CVS website to discover how much one box cost. Searching Cadbury Crème Eggs brought up 12 results, none of which were Cadbury Crème Eggs. My favorite was:

Cadbury Crème Egg → CVS Translation → Lice Treatment Family Pack.

It also translates to a Super Hair Relaxer, a variety of shortbread cookies, Olive Cholesterol For Moisture and Shine, and a vanilla protein drink with taste satisfaction guaranteed. I searched industriously through the site-

Industriously: /in-duhstreeuhslee/ adj. hunted for the full length of my twenty-second attention span, and then got sidetracked by email, checking site stats, and a Katy Perry song on my iTunes.

-and came up blank. But I am sure that $25 will buy quite a lot, and now I must debate how badly I want Q-Tips and to play practical jokes versus my favorite candy in the world.

* This friend loathes Twilight, so I send her Twilight gifts and insisted we see Breaking Dawn Part One over Christmas at Cheap Time in the theater. The joke was on me. That was the most boring movie I’ve ever seen, and I did not even have popcorn in which to drown my sorrows during that cinematic vacuum.